X Factor & The Beatles is like Peaches & Diesel...

X Factor – Oh no…

If you drew a giant smiley on The Haywain by Constable you could not have insulted our cultural heritage more profoundly than the X Factor mob did by covering Beatles songs this week. The whole thing was reminiscent of those horrible seaside specials in the 70s when camp dancers gyrated around a Blackpool pier lip-synching to crap pop songs. It was absolutely appalling.

What is it with Cheryl? Do some men actually fancy her? If so, it must be domestic abusers looking for a guilt free punch-fest. When she does that pathetic hurt look I am usually being pulled off the TV, blood streaming from my knuckles. I loved when she was attacking Wagner for revealing her council house origins – like she keeps those well hidden!

So what of the show itself and the performances? Well the highlight for me was when I thought West Life had all died in a car crash but it turned out that was just an advert for their new album shown during a break. Ah well…

Five soppy boys singing “All You Need Is Love” was my start point without a harmony in sight. They pout, bob, sway and sing badly destroying an anthem like the puppets in Team America destroying world heritage sites. Disgraceful…oh and Stretch Armstrong came on Sunday and said he wanted them to win!

Rebecca Ferguson, who is undoubtedly talented, is being slowly caricatured into a cross between Sade and Macy Gray and her version of Yesterday was obviously really terrible but only one judge was brave enough to say so. It was awful – a travesty and a shame because I think she can be a good recording artiste in time if she can escape Cowell’s clutches.

Then there was Katie Weasel or whatever her name is whose only claim to fame with me is she takes my mind off punching Cheryl Cole when she appears. Her warbling “Help” was like an advert for genocide and when Simon called it “genius lyrically” well I nearly choked on my cup cake…she didn't write the lyrics you pothead she sang them! Badly. I really hope he dies in a Hotel fire, as Morrissey would say.

Then Mary did Shirley Bassey doing Something, a truly amazing song by George and one of my favourites, which was interesting – a bit “Stars In Their Eyes” really. Which could be said of the whole show actually.

Even Matt Cardle looked out of his depth which is a shame because again I think he could be a good performer given free expression and time. Come Together is a great song but only when sung by John Lennon. Which leads me to…

Point of order – Imagine is a John Lennon song recorded post-Beatles so it can’t be on Beatles night. (And who the hell chose “Hippy Hippy Shake”? The judges do nothing for their credibility with these errors.) I was actually less frightened in The Exorcist than I was at the thought that she was about to start rapping the Imagine lyrics...if she had I would have got in my car, driven to London and beaten the Great Satan Cowell to death with a rusty spanner, I swear I would have.

The mini-me Cole blubbed her way through Sunday when she needn’t have worried, not being black she was always going through. Cowell tried getting rid of Paije a week before putting him on first to play on poor viewer memories, but they gave the thumbs down to that twitchy bloke with the quiff. Hah!

All that and Wagner the protest vote believing his own bullshit and Louis thinking he has a fan base!! So funny – when he got through on Sunday I recorded Cheryl’s expression and replayed it a hundred times whilst punching the screen. Excellent therapy.

Anyway the circus continues and I will be watching mindlessly like the rest of the country. Ho hum…

Praise for “The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists” by Robert Tressell

Few novels can really claim to have had a wholly transformative effect on the reader but in the case of this one I can totally understand the cover statement by Ricky Tomlinson that this book changed his life. It certainly informed mine, much like Orwell's "Down and Out in Paris & London" and "Road to Wigan Pier" did.

It's creator, Robert Noonan who took the nom de plume of Tressell to avoid recriminations, sadly didn’t live to see it published. In the introduction he vouches for its accuracy and claims it is all true which gives every scene added resonance.

It charts a year in the life of a group of working class painters and decorators in Edwardian England who suffer unspeakable poverty and suffering as they attempt to survive the cruel realities of post-industrial capitalism in a fictitious town of Mugsborough.

Into their midst comes a well-read activist called Owen who attempts to teach them how they are being exploited by the capitalist system – memorably demonstrating in one scene the “great money trick” using bread divided up into pieces. The men are scornful of Owen blaming their ills on immigrants, tariff reform or free trade and decrying socialism as an evil to be condemned.

I had to constantly remind myself that this novel actually pre-dates The Suffragettes, The Russian Revolution, The first Labour Government and The First World War and excuse many of its more subsequently discredited notions on that basis. That said, many of the books central criticisms of the Western Capitalist philosophy could be equally levelled today.

Tressell does not hold back in his condemnation of the Edwardian employers. Hunter is the feared foreman, referred to variously as Misery and Nimrod, who can cut the men off at any time – they are, however, entitled to an hour’s notice! The owner, Rushton, is another tyrant who happily has the men working in freezing temperatures with poor tools and only the fear of loss of income as an incentive.

Yet Tressell understands that a system where everyone chasing the same contract must seek to undercut the other bidders is inevitably doomed to fail. He almost sympathises with the men forced to drive their employees as slaves to squeeze profit from each job – many of the scenes explore this convincingly.

He highlights poverty and the lack of help and support from the authorities in a more straightforward manner than say Dickens does, but despite being true the narrative does not suffer from a lack of story-telling. It is, at times, maddening and moving in equal measure.

All ages and classes are covered and Tressell uses names for his characters that are laugh out loud funny at times. Bodger and Leavit, Sir Graball D’Encloseland the MP, Mr Sweater and Mr Grinder the employers, Slyme the immoral cad and even Dr Weakling the only voice on the council who attempts to speak against corruption and self-interest but always fails.

The book is optimistic in the end but the irony is that Owen, who is Tressell, contracts TB in the story but ultimately survives to meet with some good fortune.

Robert Tressell was not so fortunate dying young, another victim of the system he sought to change.

The original manuscript can be viewed on-line at the TUC website complete with Noonan's alterations and notes. It is very readable and a fascinating artefact of the class struggle.

Worth a look this Xmas if you need something different!

Horror & Gore!!

Watching the Psychoville Halloween Special recently reminded me of just how much I love the Horror genre. I hit seventeen at the perfect time – the VCR had arrived in the UK and some of the most creative horror movies from the 60s and 70s could be watched late at night after a trip to The Three Horseshoes in Stukeley, preferably in groups of four or five.

I grew to love Horror from that moment onwards. The genre appeals to the visceral core of what it means to be human. The fear of death in all its forms, the struggle with terrifying ordeals, the nature of self, religion, independence and even child abuse – all have been covered in Horror movies and the teenage impressionable me was lapping it all up in the late seventies. Here then is my Horror Top 10 covering all the films that I first saw on VCR and still watch today.

10. Psycho – the original “slasher” serial killer movie has to scrape onto the chart mainly because I still really enjoy watching it so much. That scene on the stairs still gets me as does the final denouement. A classic

9. The Shining – OK Jack Nicholson is a bit over the top, but the way the film deals with the twin themes of domestic abuse and isolation is still masterly. The techniques used look a bit passé but the sheer brilliance of the direction makes up for it.

8. The Ring – Japanese version of course and truly chilling from the very start. The last scene seems to break the fourth wall by crawling out of the TV twice – the second time into your own lap! Fabulous.

7. Halloween – Michael Myers cutting up baby sitters and their boyfriends…but only if they have had sex. Innocent Laurie is ultimately spared and of course he himself can’t be killed, just as immorality can’t be killed. The film is dated but still has a brio I love and is always worth another viewing.

6. Suspiria – Fantastic Italian Horror with ground breaking special effects at the time and a genuinely disturbing underlying theme of separation and exclusion.

5. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula – slightly quirky vampire movie but the dog steals the show as a monster somewhere between the Baskerville Hound and the Alien. Superbly terrifying at the time and still worth an evening’s viewing

4. The Wicker Man – so English and so ground breaking with its plot based on paganism and ignorance laced with escapist independence from the rule of law. Edward Woodward screaming “Oh My God!” still makes my blood freeze and makes you think of ethnic cleansing, executed hostages and brutal murders in the name of religions.

3. Dawn of the Dead – The prophetic fable on consumerism. Watch it now and you could just as easily be out on a Saturday at the local Debenhams or John Lewis. We are all the Zombies now and this film tried to warn us. Superb.

2. Blood on Satan’s Claw – a kitsch hammer classic made memorable for me by the full frontal nude scene where “Angel” reveals her loyalty to the Dark Side, which disturbed me greatly as a teenage youth. Wonderful.

1. The Exorcist – As America feared for the morality and sanity of its youth, William Friedkin produced the ultimate stroppy teenager to play on all those suppressed anxieties. Yet there is more to the plot than that – the voyage of Father Carras is by far the most interesting aspect of this film and the scenes where he interplays with the devil inside Regan are the most enduring and terrifying.

You can if you wish, give points for trying to the following: The Omen trilogy, Rosemary’s Baby, The Hills Have Eyes, Scanners, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House On The Left, Nightmare On Elm Street and The Thing.

Oh for the golden age of the VCR!!

X Factor draws me in again...

OK So I watched a recording of Saturday’s X Factor last night to give it a fair chance.


I wish I hadn’t. Actually that’s not true – I do have some fascinating revelations!

The first is that Louis Walsh is basically a one sentence robot with a good eye for the bizarre. Last year the strange twins became “Jedward” and actually sustained the public’s interest for a few months even after the series ended, and he looks like he is doing it again with Wagner who resembles that Native American who always decried the war with the White Man in Lee Van Cleef films and ultimately died in a hammy way involving a brunette and a tomahawk.

Louis basically says “You look like a Pop Star. You dress like a Pop Star. You sound like a Pop Star. You are a Pop Star!” to a different person every week. The irony is he sits next to Danni Minogue who also looks like one, sounds like one (at least whilst she is only talking) and dresses like one but never actually WAS one. Go on, name your favourite Danni Minogue hit. Exactly.

Is Cher Lloyd an anagram of “Cheryl Doll” with an “l” removed? Call me old fashioned, but do street rappers come from early evening light entertainment shows now? She is bizarre to say the least and is a bit like The Monkees were to The Stones. I keep expecting a drive by shooting to splatter Simon Cowell all over the rest of the panel as Jedward try and reclaim the hood.

Cheryl of course is being criticised for her lack of connection with TreyC or whatever she is called. Well, we all know why that is don’t we? Count your blessing TreyC and for God’s sake don’t let her follow you into the toilets. Mind you she shouldn’t really have dressed like that Red Dwarf in Don’t Look Now.

Cheryl Cole has perfected that look that seems to say “Run Bambi – Man is in the forest”. All that’s missing is the satisfying gunshot and the Emperor of Exmoor saying “sorry Cher, Cheryl cannot be with you any more”. Was that too much to ask on a Halloween special?

Then there is Simon. Like Caligula’s plebeians the audience wait for his thumb on each act. He looks to the side, does a strange hand gesture, says something ambiguous and then…the coup de grace. Close up of the contestant looking like Simon just confirmed that the early diagnosis of advanced pulmonary cancer was incorrect and in fact was only a chest cold. Simon then names his horse as a Senator, enjoys fellatio with a goat under the desk and the poor across the country pay extortionate phone rates to support his Frankenstein Boy Band rather than, say, buy vegetables.

What really annoys me is that there is some talent in there but it is being restricted and exploited for the Cowell Corporation rather than nurtured and developed. Rebecca Ferguson and Matt Cardle will no doubt be forced to sing songs by some idiot like Robbie “Save My Career For Old Times Sake Boys?” Williams when they should be learning the trade of song-writing so they can genuinely survive in the real world beyond Dermot’s shoulder. Alexandra Burke and even Leona Lewis totally depend on getting good songs and without them, and their youthful looks, they will soon fade.

Highlight of Saturday night TV for me? Harry Hill’s Wagbo, the love child of Wagner and Mary Byrne…genius!

Why do we watch these programmes? Well, I think it’s because everyone is rooting for their favourite and the thing becomes competitive and therefore entertaining. I regularly hear the words “who went out on X Factor/Strictly/Big Brother?” shouted across a bar or hotel lobby in the way they would enquire about the outcome of distant battles a century ago. I guess I will just have to keep watching to see who triumphs...come on Wagner!!

Seeing another Human Being Die.

I come from a family of Police Officers for whom the sight of a recent sudden death is not an uncommon experience. I suspect that my huge respect for them, and my certainty that it is a job I could never ever do, stems from an incident in my childhood when I witnessed somebody actually die – for the only time in my life so far thankfully.

I was about eleven years old and I remember it was a spring day because the daffodils were out on the road opposite the shop where I had just been to buy some football cards – a weekly ritual for me in those days as I squandered my generous pocket money.

Served immediately after me in the shop, with some cakes and other treats I seem to recall, was a lady of the village known to me as “Miss Lappard”. My father had taught us all to always address adults in such a way no matter how familiar they were. She was not particularly familiar and I remember that on that day she was dressed in unseasonal dark colours and that apart from being clearly quite elderly she was otherwise fit and well as she passed me on the shop steps to return to her house just 60 yards away.

She was returning to her home which had been there for considerably longer than she had, standing by the busy main road which divided it from the village, a road even older than the house – one that had Roman origins and ran straight past Great Stukeley but which was, nevertheless, busy and fast.

In his essay “A Hanging” George Orwell describes the execution of a Burmese native by the British Imperial Judiciary during his military career. The most poignant moments for him are first when on hearing that his appeal has failed the condemned individual urinates in his cell where he stands, out of pure terror, and the second when as the same prisoner walks the short distance to the scaffold in bare feet he carefully steps to one side to avoid a puddle. To Orwell this trivial unconscious act underlined the brutal significance of taking the life of a perfectly functioning human being.

For me, at least looking back, I remember a similar significant moment as Miss Lappard stepped off the kerb carefully to avoid tripping over with her bag of shopping – carefully placing one foot after the other to avoid a slip or twist of an ankle. Once safely on the road she simply stepped out towards her home…

The image that stays with me to this day is that mass of dark clothes flying into the air on the impact of the car and the following silence. Even now I do not remember a car stopping or a driver rushing back to her – I just remember that heap of clothes and the realisation that a human being had just ended their life in front of me.

I stood there, motionless for a few seconds probably rapped by terror and childhood curiosity, and then ran back into the shop to find an adult. Time changes things of course, but the basic details have remained vivid I think.

I think that, at that moment, my own mortality suddenly became real and my adult self was born.

The Trouble With Organised Religion...

OK – I have no problem with people of faith at all. If anyone has a belief they strongly adhere to and which informs their life then fantastic. I just don’t agree with them and resent the fact that those views are always given credence and integrity by our institutions. As an Atheist, here are ten things about religion that I have a major problem with:

1. Dictatorship. Most religions presuppose a deity who is basically all watching and all knowing and judging. The ultimate Big Brother. Step out of line and you’re toast. That, and the fact we are all apparently born into sin and will die with our sins to answer for, makes it a pretty bad deal.

2. The Old Testament. Basically condones fratricide, genocide, slavery, incest, rape, murder and a few other nasty deeds in the name of religion. Please.

3. Proselytising for charity. If you care and want to help fantastic but don’t make it all conditional on faith or worship.

4. Miracles. Metaphors are fine, but don’t pretend that the universal laws are suspended just to make a point every now and again.

5. Denial. Of dinosaurs and the Earth being more than 6000 years old. OK maybe only the most extreme believers hang onto this but it is so irrational it undermines any attempt at serious debate.

6. Certainty. Anyone who has it is dangerous – and I include fellow atheists in that category. I admit I cannot prove non-existence of a deity but I happen to think that extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof and the burden of that proof de facto rests with those who would use their belief to interfere in the lives of others.

7. Rituals. Some are fine – hatches, matches and despatches are social glue – but the high ceremonial extremes with incense, chanting and snake-wrestling are just plain silly and outdated in every form in every religion. Plays to the Paganism gene in us all and is just risible.

8. Sex obsession. Why is religion obsessed with sex – how you do it, who with and why? Celibacy, Virgin births and miraculous conceptions are in most religions proving, fairly clearly, that they were written by men with a fear of female reproductive organs.

9. Directives. Why does God hate Pigs so much? Why be even bothered what meat we eat? Our universe may be one of billions and our galaxy one of tens of billions all carefully designed and coordinated by someone who cares if we have pork for lunch? Honestly.

10. Subjugation. It’s a key objective in the Koran (convert, subjugate or destroy) and in the Old Testament. Religion has, for centuries, hindered scientific development. Without Islam the Arabs may have had the Internet by the 1800s at the rate they were progressing. Today whole societies are kept back by medieval doctrines and dogmas embarrassing to anyone of intelligence.

There – I feel better now!

Mercury Music Prize Winners The XX - A truly great album.

The XX


Remember how it feels to be in love? I mean obsessively irrationally nothing-else-matters crazily in love? Then having that love shattered before your eyes like a broken snow globe and all the feelings of powerless pain and anguish that followed? If you can, then you will find The XX album an experience to savour.

Musically it is ethereal and quirky at times, but from the instrumental introduction onwards this is an album that wants to be seen as genuine, the real deal, but it's also an album to listen to closely and all the more rewarding for it. A decent bass woofer would be useful too as some of the production rumbles up from Hades.

Many of the songs take the form of a dialogue between two parties in a failed or failing relationship and the broad sweeps of the music underpin and symbolise the emotions of each piece – particularly in "Fantasy" and "Crystallised" . You feel, at times, as if you are reading the secret diary of a young girl who has had her whole world destroyed by misplaced love but somehow is still trying to cling on. At times the depth of pain in the voice reminded me of The Blue Nile. It is universally moving and yet totally genuine and personal at the same time.

There is poetry in these lyrics too. “Shelter” reads like a simplified Sylvia Plath or Stevie Smith with a relevance and poignancy echoed in a delayed single string guitar refrain that eventually sees the song segue into the more accepting finality of “Basic Space”. You feel like a secret voyeur on a disintegrating relationship – think “Picking Up After You” by Tom Waits or The The “Infected” album.

The highlight for me is “Infinity”. The male vocal implores the protagonist to “give it up” whilst she responds “I can’t give it up” over and over again like a text conversation stuck in auto-send. All accompanied by some “Wicked Game” guitar.

The last track, "Stars", does hint at redemption for both with its acceptance of sometimes just letting things happen slowly. A wonderful denouement.

These are not songs to strum and sing round a camp fire. You can hear New Order, Chris Isaacs, Velvet Underground , Tori Amos and Bowie if you listen hard enough. The end result is a thoroughly satisfying album that is deserving of its plaudits and whilst they have said they have no plans for another, it would be fascinating to see what this band grows into.

How Tax Works...

Tax – a horrendous and boring subject!


How can I successfully argue that actually high earning bankers are not all bad, or that the wealthy actually do make a difference and we shouldn’t over –tax them? Well, this story hopefully explains things a bit and works for most people I speak to…by the way, stick with it if you are really left wing as a rich guy gets beaten up!

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for the nights drinking for all ten of them comes to a nice round £100.00

If they are wholly representative of the UK electorate, and paid their bill the way they pay tax, it would go, on average, something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay £1.00

The sixth would pay £3.00

The seventh would pay £7.00

The eighth would pay £12.00

The ninth would pay £18.00

The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.00

For our story, these ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement of each enjoying the same amount of benefit and paying according to their means.

One evening the Barman said:

"Since you are all such good customers I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20.00!" Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.00

Now, the group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay tax, so the first four men were basically unaffected as they could still drink for free but what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the £20.00 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that £20.00 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man, who were only paying £1.00 and £3.00 now, would each end up being paid to drink the beer!

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

Now the fifth man, like the first four, paid nothing - a 100% saving!

The sixth now paid £2.00 instead of £3.00 – a 33% saving.

The seventh now paid £5.00 instead of £7.00 – a 28% saving.

The eighth now paid £9.00 instead of £12.00 – a 25% saving.

The ninth now paid £14.00 instead of £18.00 - a 22% saving.

The tenth and richest now paid £49.00 instead of £59.00 – a 16% saving.

Each of the six was better off than before and the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got one pound back out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man and he pointed to the tenth man, “but he got £10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, as he had moved to a foreign pub, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. Now if they paid what had been agreed they only had £31.00 of the £80.00 they needed. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking abroad, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier!

The Band In Heaven They Play My Favourite Song...

Who would be in your Heaven House Band?

Well there are some pretty significant anniversaries this year for prime contenders. John Lennon would have been 70 and its 30 years since he was gunned down in New York. John Bonham, powerhouse drummer with Led Zeppelin, died 30 years ago as well and Jimi Hendrix died 40 Years ago this very weekend past…so, my band in heaven playing my favourite song would be…

Vocals: Elvis Presley

I mean 56 Elvis, the real deal. The risk, the sex, the raw talent and that incredible Black/White Blues thing that every singer since has tried to get a piece of. That Elvis would have been at the forefront of any era and any music style and made it his own.

Lead Guitar: Jimi Hendrix

The God, the Greatest ever exponent of electric guitar playing and raw creativity. He practically invented the solo, the concept album and saved both the Fender Strat and the E7#9 chord from extinction. What a genius.

Rhythm Guitar and Backing vox: Kurt Cobain

Yes even more anger and cutting edge creativity from the Godfather of Grunge. The riffs, the melodies, the understatement followed by the overstatement, the pure pop of all that dirty rage. A pioneer, and keeper of the Elvis Flame, into the nineties and beyond. Listen to Unplugged for a sneak peek at his breathtaking range and hidden depths.

Bass Guitar: John Entwhistle

The Who were so much more than the sum of their parts. That bass solo in My Generation was completely new and is such a key counterpoint to Townsend’s down-stroke rhythm guitar angst taking the whole song up a gear. When the best Bass player’s work is done the band say we did it ourselves and when they look round he has packed up and gone – his work done.

Drums: John Henry Bonham

What more can I say. The drummer’s drummer; and a man who has, quite simply, re-written the drum pattern for rock music. A man whose absence meant the greatest band on the planet could no longer continue as they were and whose sound has been emulated and sampled a thousand times over. He chained groupies to his bed so they would still be there after the gig. He drank more than Keith Moon and Oliver Reed. He died the only true rock star death after 30 shots of vodka. He played the drums on When The Levee Breaks. Nuff said.

Keyboards: Don’t be silly.

So there you have it – a pantheon of genius and the band in heaven. Of course you may have Django Reinhardt, Jaco Pastorius, Buddy Rich and Frank Sinatra – but my band is way louder than yours!

Why we are all richer than The Sun King

1. This morning I got up from a bed made from Swedish Timber

2. I ate a selection of produce from local farms but Kenyan coffee and Californian Orange Juice

3. I dressed in Indian cotton and Australian wool with shoes made of Chinese leather and Malaysian rubber.

4. I read a book using paper made from Finnish pulp and Chinese ink

5. I switched on my computer manufactured from components sourced from Korea, America, Taiwan and China

6. At lunch I will eat bread made from French and Russian wheat with New Zealand Butter.

7. I will write my paper journal using a French fountain pen.

8. I will check investments from each continent on the planet except Antartica…

9. But my computer screen saver has pictures from there…

10. The headache tablet I took was researched, tested, produced, patented, packed, delivered and distributed in seven different countries.

This is the truth behind the myth that Globalisation is bad. Human beings have been interdependent since the Stone Age and it has always meant that one add one made more than two - Global Growth!

Poverty is fetching your water from a river not a tap, getting firewood from a forest not a shed, cleaning potatoes growing outside rather than buying them from a shop, catching a chicken to pluck, gut and cook - all before fixing the roof, changing the floor covering, whittling a needle to fix your clothes, making a pot to cook with…need I go on?

Wealth is how much you can exchange your time for. It is the ability to do just one thing and yet exchange it and gain from thousands of people who have done other things for your benefit.

Louis XIV, The Sun King, had 498 servants attending to his daily welfare. My guess is we have more.

Africa - Investment Opportunity?

Carrying on the theme of Africa, I was fortunate a few years ago to spend some time in Cape Town at a conference in a especially pleasant hotel over-looking the famous Table Mountain. Pre-dinner one evening, as the sun was setting in a way you only seem to get in that continent, I got talking to a Gentleman who introduced himself to me in English as Edward. He did also give his African name, which was far more resonant and musical, but it has slipped from my memory with time.

He discovered I was in investments and began to tell me about his home, Botswana. I was, in the space of an hour, educated considerably!

African’s challenges are manifold. Many countries are land-locked, isolating them from world trade and the road and rail systems are often neglected and deteriorating. They have an exploding birth rate and a high death rate from Aids, Malaria and other less known diseases such as sleeping sickness and guinea worm. Their culture is still scarred by disruptions caused by the slave trade and imperialism, where many countries were effectively governed by minorities who did little to encourage an entrepreneurial class.

The combination of imperialism, Marxism and aid dependence has seen the erosion of many social traditions and, crucially, institutions. Even their best economic chance, agriculture, suffers from price controls and stifling bureaucracy. Many countries also have one-off windfalls from the discovery of resources, leading to reckless spending and borrowing, corruption and the entrenchment of dictatorships.

Botswana, Edward taught me, had all these problems. When it escaped colonial rule in 1966 it had just 8 miles of road (its roughly the size of Texas)! It was drought-prone, had high population growth and its people belonged to 8 different tribes. Yet since 1966 Botswana’s growth has been greater than almost any other country. Its average citizens now enjoy a lifestyle comparable to Bulgarians, Peruvians and Thais. It has seen no hyper-inflation like Zimbabwe, nor debt default. Even its elephants are thriving!

How did Botswana succeed so spectacularly in a continent famed for the opposite outcome? Through good public institutions. Botswana was fortunate in that the British colonialists largely left it alone. Britain only colonised the country to avoid Germany or The Boers beating them to it. The ruling Tswana people had a strong democratic tradition within their tribe and were inclusive, welcoming other tribes in. This aided their collective defence efforts and led to common law and justice. Three chiefs even met Queen Victoria to keep Botswana out of the hands of Cecil Rhodes! They succeeded.

Finally, Edward told me, they have through this system of trust entrenched strong property rights and evolved an entrepreneurial and democratic society that has fuelled growth in GDP to rival many Asian countries. The key word is “evolved”. He told me much of Africa is like the Nineteenth century American West with no cohesive law to protect property ownership - so individuals do not find it easy to own property and then borrow against it to build businesses. Botswana has solved this.

I believe that Africa, with its demographic and resource advantages over the next twenty years, can become a great world power – I hope it does. It will not do this by receiving top down aid through global intervention; in fact for many countries these things will stifle growth. Africa must be trusted to evolve and helped to do so through trade, markets, investment, the law and property rights. We in the West do have much to offer, but it should be in ideas and support and not rather patronising aid programmes.

As I read round this subject I was surprised to see who Africa's best friend has been recently. Bob Geldof? Bono? No...it was George W. Bush! Shock!

Anyway, I hope to help by supporting funds actively investing in African infrastructure and banking, business and resources which should give a morally rewarding and satisfying return for all involved.

Don’t give them a sack of grain – give them Tescos!

Mosquito Nets and Mobile Phones

This is a pretty good argument for traditional bottom up economics replacing top down Government intervention when it comes to giving African countries aid and support – hope you get something from it.

Mosquito Nets

After the Davos summit Gordon Brown, Bono and Sharon Stone commendably used their celebrity, and in Brown’s case political experience and intellect, to actively promote aid for Africa. The symbol of this appeal came to be the $4 insecticide-soaked mosquito nets for children to sleep under safely in areas of central and southern Africa where malaria still represents a huge national scourge.

The problem was giving them away for free. Very soon many Africans, particularly in Mali, used these free nets as fashionable items to wear, as wedding veils or even used them as fishing nets. Malaria rates remained stubbornly high. It was eventually one American who decided to sell them for just 50 cents each in the poorest areas, subsidising this by asking an inflated $5 of richer urban Malinese.

As a result, in the poorer areas mothers who had spent half a day’s wages on these nets made sure they were put to the proper use and within a few months over 50% of children under five slept beneath safe nets at night. Malaria rates fell quickly afterwards.

Mobile Phones & Sardines

It was conventional wisdom that generally Africans were too poor to need mobile phones and many businesses labelled the continent as a future market rather than a current one. However, Africans soon embraced the new technology for the benefit it brought them despite the cost.

Use of the bureaucratic landline system in many countries was time consuming, unreliable and expensive but Africans found mobiles allowed quick calls to be made albeit at a price. That price became worth paying when they could phone ahead to assess demand for a product before setting off for the market. In one example fishermen arrived at a port with a huge sardine catch. Unfortunately the buyers had all gone and the catch was largely wasted. Yet just 27 miles down the coast, hundreds of buyers were paying a 50% premium to their local fisherman who had now just exhausted their own stocks.

After acquiring a mobile phone, which got a signal up to twelve miles out, the fishermen were able to ring ahead and assess the demand for their catch before setting off back for shore. This resulted in an 8% increase in annual profits and a 4% reduction in the price of Sardines – coupled with a huge reduction in wastage.

Everybody won…except the Sardines of course.

My Top Ten Electric Guitars

Top Ten Guitars – Ever




OK – it’s my instrument of choice, and so here are the greatest electric guitars of all time that I have actually played.

10. The Tokai Strat – come on, it brought great guitars to ordinary people with no money and made Fender start making the Squier. Surely must make the list!

9. The Gibson SG – Always thought they were massive based on the AC/DC “If You Want Blood” album cover…but Angus Young is just really small!

8. Gretsch White Falcon – Ooohhh…what can I say? Rockabilly or Jazz it delivers..and some.

7. Gibson ES 335 – As played by the peerless Larry Carlton and one or two others…superb.

6. Jimmy Page’s twin neck Gibson SG – because its Jimmy’s and it just says “SEVENTIES!”

5. Rickenbacker 381 V69 – Jingly Jangly Jam John and err…Pete.

4. PRS Custom 24 – not quite a classic yet but well on its way and the most wonderful instrument for versatility and quality combined.

3. Fender Telecaster - The original Fender guitar that kicks arse in the rock world. Led Zeppelin’s first album? It was largely played on a Telecaster. Then there are the country guitarists…and the blues….

2. Fender Stratocaster - Jimi, Hank, Stevie Ray, Eric, Jeff - they all made The Strat their axe of choice and to be honest it has to be Number One…except this is my list and I choose…

1. The Gibson Les Paul - whether yours is the era of Slash, Jimmy Page or early Clapton with the Blues Breakers you gotta love the original for pure design, tone and historic significance.

The Eighties were Fantastic and here’s why… in ten albums, ten films and ten miscellaneous items!

Albums

1. The Pixies - Dolittle

2. REM - Green

3. The Smiths – The Queen is Dead

4. Tom Waits – Swordfish trombones

5. Prince – Sign of the Times

6. Talking Heads – Remain In Light

7. Talk Talk – Spirit of Eden

8. Stone Roses – Stone Roses

9. AC/DC – Back in Black

10. The Clash – Sandanista

Films

1. Blade Runner

2. Ghostbusters

3. Airplane

4. The Fly

5. Highlander

6. Gremlins

7. Stop Making Sense

8. Rain Man

9. Purple Rain

10. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Miscellaneous

1. Rubik’s Cube

2. ZX Spectrum games

3. CDs

4. Boys from the Black Stuff

5. Miner’s Strike

6. John Peel

7. Live Aid

8. Pac Man

9. Trivial Pursuit

10. MTV





There. ..Wasn’t it fantastic?



If you can remember then you weren’t there – or something…

Bubble and Squeak - Is the US Bond Market another Bubble ready to burst?

Bond Bubbles and Equity Squeaks


Bubble and Squeak! Yes that sums up the investment markets at the moment.

Here is a Ten Point Guide to what it all means…

1. A Bond is effectively a loan. Governments, Businesses, Local Councils and even Private Contractors need money to pay for projects.

2. They get it by borrowing from investors who get a rate of interest and a date when they will get repaid.

3. These interest rates and dates vary and, of course, the greater the risk of not getting repaid felt by the investor the more generous the interest rate will need to be to tempt them.

4. So, at the moment people are nervous about where to put their money – so are big investment funds like pension schemes and charities.

5. Poor news from the US suggests that there may not be very good returns on stocks and shares or more risky bonds so they are all buying the safest bond of all – US treasuries!

6. However, there are not always US Treasuries for sale – so you may have to buy yours from the market. That will be one where the rate of interest and pay-back date (redemption) is already agreed…and if that rate of interest is good, compared to whatever is on offer now, then you may have to pay a bit more than the owner did for that bond, which means your actual rate of interest may be less than the face value.

7. This is what commentators mean when they say the “yield” on US treasuries has fallen or the “Yield” on Gilts (the UK version) has fallen. They actually mean that the value of these bonds has increased if you want to buy them so what you will receive in interest, as a percentage of what you paid for the bond, has reduced.

8. So Bond values rise and yields fall, Bond values fall and yields rise – simple!

9. Why does the value fluctuate? Well – supply and demand like everything else! When do people want Bonds? Well…when the rates look good, when they need a fixed income (retirement funds etc) or when everything else looks lousy!

10. So is there a Bond Bubble now? Well, anyone buying a US treasury with a yield of 2.8% must expect interest rates to stay low for a while and inflation to be gentle – as well as equities remaining flat. If any of those things change then Bond values will fall very quickly and many investors will lose the capital value of the bonds they have bought. Yes, it probably will happen…

Beware the words that always spell disaster…”This Time It’s Different”

Heard of The Monty Hall problem?

It’s a famous Maths problem that originates from a game show in America. In the game show the contestant is shown THREE doors. He or she is told that behind two doors there is a Goat and behind one of the doors is a brand new luxury car.

The contestant chooses a door. The quiz compere now opens one of the remaining doors to reveal a Goat behind it and asks the contestant whether or not he or she wishes to swap their first choice door for the one remaining door.

What should they do?

Many great minds debated this when it was first publicised and many people still believe that it makes no difference as the odds of getting a goat (to coin a phrase) are now 50:50. Nothing could be further from the truth – the odds are overwhelmingly in favour of changing your decision. Here is why:

Outcome one: You choose the car, get shown a goat, change door and get…the other goat. LOSE

Outcome two: You choose goat 1, get shown goat 2, change and get…the car. WIN

Outcome three: You choose goat 2, get shown goat 1, change and get…the car. WIN

Two Wins to One Lose. So…always change.

Which brings me to Deal Or No Deal. I recently played on one of the games fruit machines at a service station whilst killing time between appointments. I got through to the deal or no deal round…finally ending up with three boxes. They were either: 50p, £10 or £75 and I had the option of changing or taking an offer from the banker of £21. Well my instincts said take the offer but I remembered Monty Hall and I had a “glimpse” button available. The machine showed me the £10 box! I immediately took the option of switching and ignored the bankers offer…

…I won £75!

I now have plenty of cash for car parks!

Why I Love Tom Waits...and you should too.

Why I Love Tom Waits

Ahhh…a musical Blog!

Well, if I want to earn the ire of my family the surest way to do it is put on “Real Gone” by Tom Waits whilst we have supper. My eight year old does a mean version of “Don’t Go Into The Barn” despite my explaining that it tells of the discovery of human remains and slave chains in the newly dug earth of an American Farmstead.

Then again, I can put on “Heart of Saturday Night” and nobody bats an eyelid – they may ask “who is this?” or comment how much more authentic it is compared to Michael Buble or Jamie Cullum but that’s about it.

That is why I love Tom Waits. He has reinvented himself successfully several times in 30 years whilst never compromising on the way. He is an accomplished actor, raconteur, comedian, songwriter and polemicist. He is a beat poet and a country singer, a blues groaner and a bull horn screamer. He whispers poetry and beats car doors, sings of Singapore bars, midgets and prostitutes and of driving home from a girlfriends as it starts getting light.

To me he is even greater than Dylan – his range is greater and he hits the target every time. Whether I listen to the jazz lounge perfection of the early albums or the beauty of Orphans, whether I am transfixed by the story of “9th and Hennepin” or crying to “Johnson, Illinois” and “On The Nickel” - he always touches me in one way or another.

Tom Waits has created a persona and, with Kathleen Brennan his muse and astounding musicians like the angular guitarist Marc Ribot, he has already created a body of work that any genius would look back on with pride...and there's a new album next year! 

Ladies and Gentlemen - Tom Waits.

Current Top 10 (and this changes all the time)

10. Ol’ 55

9. Hoist That Rag

8. Shore Leave

7. Tom Traubert’s Blues

6. Ruby’s Arms

5. All The World Is Green

4. The Briar & The Rose

3. Lie To Me

2. On The Nickel

1. Day After Tomorrow

Discover them if you haven’t already…

Which Investments are worth the risk?

Worth The Risk?

You may not realise this but more people died in the USA, following 9/11, by choosing to drive rather than fly, than actually died in the attack. This is because driving is, statistically, way more risky than flying - but at that particular time people were not convinced and many who had clearly chosen to drive and not fly lost their lives as a result.

As a Financial Planner risk plays a huge role in my career and daily decisions. It also fascinates me how clients and people in general view it, particularly where investments are concerned.

Risk got us out of the caves and into Canary Wharf. One member of Homo Sapiens thought “I wonder what’s over that hill” and ventured forth to begin the progress of humanity. Napoleon took Risks. Churchill took Risks. NM Rothschild took risks. Reward is clearly proportionately linked to risk in every walk of life.

So what do every day people think of money and risk? Here are results of a small (and largely amateur) survey of around 80 people. Each was given this scenario. They had £1000 now and could choose between a 50% chance of doubling their money or a 100% certainty of making 50%. Over 80% of them chose the second option – preferring a guaranteed £500 to a possible £1000.

Then they were told they had £2000 already and were asked to choose between a 50% chance of LOSING £1000 or a guaranteed loss of £500. Nearly everyone now chose the first option!

In fact in each scenario there were the same outcomes…a 50% chance of £1000, a 50% chance of £2000, or a guarantee of £1500 – yet when the emphasis was on a loss people became more inclined towards risk taking. This may be why guaranteed bonds and absolute return investments are so popular…in general people like guarantee returns on the upside but take risks to avoid losses!

Ten Reasons Why I Love Blade Runner

Ten Reasons I Love Blade Runner

Blade Runner is one of the greatest things about the 1980’s along with The Smiths, Boys from the Black stuff and The Rubik’s Cube and I was in my twenties when I first saw it which may have deeply informed my opinion. It remains in my top five movies and has a good claim to be number one.

Like many I caught up with it on Video and only saw it in the cinema during a re-release phase much later, but it first came to life in 1982. We are still nine years from the year in which it is set, 2019, and Los Angeles may not end up quite as the film foretells but nevertheless as a prophetic film noir Blade Runner remains fresh, relevant and never feels or looks dated.

So here they are, the ten reasons I love Blade Runner – hopefully not too obvious reasons!

1. What does it mean to be human? If you have ever known anyone ravaged by Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia you will know how much of a human personality depends on memory. Blade Runner extrapolates this and asks if we perfect the creation of a living organism and pre-programme them with memories that to them are real, what is the difference?

2. Religious Allegory. Most faith leaders will explain number one (above) as follows: Humans have a soul which is only temporarily housed in the body before ascending to heaven and God’s care. Yet here in the film God has been replaced by the Eldon Tyrell of The Tyrrell Corporation and when Roy and Sebastian meet Tyrell they ascend to his heaven, the penthouse apartment atop a great tower, in a great escalator. The chess game that Roy helps Sebastian win is actually a famous win by the Grandmaster Anderssen called “The Immortal Game” – coincidence? Tyrell is creator and Roy his son – but is he Adam or Christ? This is touched on in the final fight scene when Roy plunges a nail through his palm in a biblical allusion to the crucifixion. As Roy dies a dove flies to heaven in slow motion…his soul? Or a reminder that he doesn’t have one?

3. The Visuals. From the very first scene of the film, the Blade Runner world is set. Shortly after the words explaining what the Blade Runner Units do roll up the screen in bold typeface – “This was not called execution. It was called Retirement” – we are given a glimpse of Hades through a petrochemical haze as creaking metal towers belch fire into the skies of LA against the twin towers of the Tyrell Corporation. That attention to visual detail keeps the film within its fantasy boundaries superbly well from then on. The Neon signs, the streets, the empty warehouse apartment block it all exudes Ridley Scott’s genius of creating a world within a world – Alien, Gladiator even Thelma & Louise to an extent.

4. The drop of blood. After Deckard, played by Harrison Ford, has been beaten up good style by Leon and he returns to his apartment there is a scene when a tiny drop of blood runs down his face. The details and mood are second to none.

5. Vangelis’ music. OK its eighties synths and of its time but it never seems like that. Somehow it still sounds like a futuristic score with sweeps and dives that fit perfectly. The solo saxophone playing the love theme is also timelessly beautiful.

6. The ambiguity. Is Deckard actually a Replicant too? This is hinted at throughout and if you watch the film from the perspective that he is it does have a different dimension. In the Directors Cut the famed unicorn dream sequence was inserted when Deckard sleeps at the piano. Later Gaff leaves a tiny model unicorn outside Deckard’s apartment before he flees with Rachael…implying that he knows the unicorn memory has been planted and that Deckard is a Replicant. “It’s a shame she won’t live, but then again who does?” is also highly ambiguous. Ridley Scott has said he thinks Deckard is a Replicant but hey what does he know.

7. Leon. What a performance. What a character. See also Roy...

8. Sebastian’s Toys. “Home again Home again Jiggity Jig”. The toys in J.F. Sebastian’s flat, which he has presumably made in his spare time, seem to underline the horrific potential of advance human engineering and its implications. They also are his only friends as he is clearly a social misfit and is bullied by Roy and Pris as if he were at School.

9. Methuselah Syndrome. The irony that J F Sebastian, one of the chief human engineers, is prematurely ageing like the Nexus 6 Replicants he has created could be clunky but it isn’t. It serves to further amplify the question of the movie – what does it mean to be Human?

10. The different versions. OK so the first cinema friendly version basically expired horribly in that last scene with Deckard and Rachael driving off into a happy sunset but it is not quite as bad as it seemed to me at first. The film is questioning what makes humanity human and also raises questions about the importance of enjoying what little time you have. That final scene does continue that in a way. However I prefer the darkness of the definitive Directors Cut – Ridley Scott’s preferred version, without Harrison Ford’s Deckard voice over explaining everything as if the audience were idiots.

So there it is…ten of many reasons why I love Blade Runner.

How to Win at Monopoly!

How to Win At Monopoly!

As a Financial Planner I should know at least the theory on how to win at Monopoly!

Believe it or not Monopoly began life as a game designed to show the social economic folly of land ownership based on the economic teachings of one Henry George. It was called The Landlords Game in 1903 and was essentially a satirical model.

The Parker Brothers game we know and love began in 1935, presumably offering solace to many dreaming of asset ownership in the Great Depression. It was phenomenally successful of course and is largely responsible for the English-Speaking people’s obsession with home ownership…we all get indoctrinated as kids!

So how can you win? Well it’s all about return on capital – like any investment. The best yield in rents comes from the light blue properties at 159% return, in the UK that’s Angel Islington, Euston Road and Pentonville Road, followed by the Orange Set giving 141% return. That is the return for building hotels on all three sites relative to the cost of acquisition! I always go for Orange because the odds of people landing there are far higher – 7 steps from “Go” for example as well as the fact that the Blues get bypassed often by the “advance to…” cards.

The other rule is once you complete a set...build, build and build again! The cost of mortgaging other incomplete properties will be made up by the returns on your investment… it’s called leverage in the real world. The loss of rent on a Red site will be about £18 but mortgaged it frees up enough to buy a house on one of the Orange sites which more than makes up for it.



Of course any game with die involved is based on luck but there is a large element of skill as well and over time, as in Poker, better players will win more often!

Happy House Hunting!

Great Songwriters Kep Secret

For any of you out there who haven't yet heard one Lucas Renney check him out on Myspace and download his excellent album "Strange Glory" which is just sublime.

You can hear Lucas, along with Tom-Waits-o-phile Simon Schama, on Radio 4 at 6.15 this Saturday on "Loose Ends" no doubt chatting about great music. Has to be better than the pap on TV at that time...

My other great favourite is Boo Hewerdine who is somewhat more accomplished than Lucas having been at it a bit longer but they share that certain spark. If you haven't heard Boo's work directly you will no "Patience of Angels" the Eddi Reader number one and of course you have to hear "Bell Book and Candle" as well.

Third super songwriter is Mr Nick Harper - son of folk legend Roy Harper who jammed with Jimmy Page amongst others. Nick writes fantastic songs andplays guitar like a demon. Check out his fantastic ballad about world leaders "The Magnificent G7" which also showcases his unique detuning technique where he adjusts notes by turning the tuning pegs like a B-Bender on a Telecaster (for guitar devotees)

There - three precious gifts to thos who want them.

Bye for today...

The First - The Very First

A place to share musings and thoughts on the world of Finance and the Buttercase universe...

The big issue for me at the moment is the creeping threat that is the ageing population in Western economies. The first baby boomers are now reaching retirement and this will peak in 2012 when an extra 0.8 million pensioners will have retired - a bigger increase in two years than in all the previous decade. So those in the next wave, Generation X, and to some extent the younger Generation Y will pick up quite a hefty tab in additional tax and lower spending by the Government.

Solution: policies must be redistributive across the generations. The huge asset price increases enjoyed by the baby boomers must be reflected in tax policy - maybe inheritance tax is a good thing after all if it means better hospitals and school buildings (and fewer wars) but maybe there should be incentives for other forms of redistribution. Tax incentives for Grandparents to fund higher education, housing and employment for example. Tax is seen as a bad thing yet hypothecated tax may not be. Encouragement for the baby boomers to support their less fortunate children and grandchildren through the tax system may earn support.

OK - also for my very first blog I will share all that I currently deem wonderful in the world, edited into a Top Ten in true High Fidelity Bloke style (although in no particular order):

1. The Guitar : http://www.prsguitars.com/products/index.html
2. Tony Benn : http://www.tonybenn.com/publ.html
3. Poetry : http://www.poemhunter.com/
4. Tom Waits: http://www.tomwaits.com/
5. Dali Art: http: http://www.dali-gallery.com/   
6. Chess: http://www.chess.com/
7. Popular Science:  http://www.popularscience.co.uk/
8. History:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/
9. Christopher Hitchens:  http://www.hitchensweb.com/
10.Politics and Economics:  http://www2.lse.ac.uk/home.aspx

There - it will change I am sure but right now today August 2010 that is the way life is...